Guilty

As a result of my recent trend towards self-discovery, I have become aware an unfortunate aspect of this quirky personality of mine. I had a bad day not too long ago, and found myself in a rare mood of self-pity. As is the premise of this blog, I have a habit of overwhelming myself with pity and compassion on behalf of others, and this often distracts me from any self-pity I may feel. In the midst of this self-pity, which was of course affecting my mood, I felt acute guilt. I somehow felt that I shouldn't feel this pain on my own behalf, as if it was somehow wrong. In the days since, I have been processing this guilt, trying to figure out how to accurately describe its origin. At first, I took delight in blaming my guilt on the way I was perceived by those around me, as if they somehow saw me as rock-solid and impervious to pain. Eventually, though, I came to the painful conclusion that I was only half-right. The unpleasant truth is that it was I who perceived myself as rock-solid and impervious to pain. I have found no other name for this unfortunate quirk than self-righteous guilt – and that makes it sinful, not merely unfortunate.

Somehow, up until today, I have remained blissfully unaware of my self-righteousness. I guess that is the nature of the beast. Somehow throughout my history, I have become erroneously convinced in my subconscious that I am better at handling my own problems than others are, and that is why I am able to help them. That is not the case at all. 


The question here is not whether I am better at handling my issues than others are at handling theirs. The answer to that question, though it may be interesting, is entirely irrelevant. The problem here is that I am actually asking that question. All self-righteousness starts with comparison to other people. In 2 Corinthians, Paul writes, “But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” (2 Cor 10:12b) 


The reality of the matter is that these quirks of my personality that allow me to empathize and help others are gifts. The source of my power is not internal. I do not help others out of an excess of my own ability. I do not have compassion upon others out of an excess of my own love. I do not carry others' burdens out of an excess of my own strength. Rather, these things are extensions of the Holy Spirit living in me. It is God who gives me the ability, love, and strength required to act in a way that will glorify His name. Unfortunately, my subconscious has been using these assets to boost my own ego. 


Fortunately, God's power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9). When I have a bad day and resort to extraordinarily-human self-pity, my self-righteousness takes a hit. When I take on more burdens than my shoulders can carry and depression sets in, my human frailty becomes unavoidably evident. And when I realize that for all of my days, God will be available to carry all of my burdens and all of my adopted burdens and all of the burdens of all of His children, I realize how perfect His power truly is. 


So yes. It is ok for my frail shoulders to feel some pain now and then. In fact, it's recommended.