Controlling the Control Freak

I'm a fixer – a control freak. If I see a problem, my mind automatically initiates strategic planning sessions, and all power is channeled into eliminating the problem. Sometimes a solution presents itself immediately, and normal function resumes. Other times, weeks go by before an exhausted problem acquires a solution. On rare occasions, the encountered problem has no solution. This causes me extreme anxiety: so much, in fact, that I had serious trouble forcing myself to write the previous sentence. I toyed with writing, “The problem has no visible solution,” or “The solution remains hidden,” or “I remain somehow blind to the solution.” The source of this internal struggle is this: something at the very core of my being refuses to admit that there's a problem that cannot be fixed. The issue is not personal pride (at least not entirely). I am willing to admit that there are problems I cannot fix. In fact, my problem-solving process involves consulting friends whose opinions I highly value. On these rare and troubling occasions, they tell me there is no solution. Each of these un-solvable problems takes up permanent residence on my shoulders.

On top of my own quandaries I place the ridiculous amount of pain and suffering I see all around me. I am naturally empathetic – to a fault. (Confession: this is why I do not regularly watch the news. Like many of you, I apprise myself of major events via social media.) If I hear that someone I know is experiencing hardship, my heart constricts and my stomach somersaults. When a dear friend's life is filled with pain, betrayal, or disaster, I carry their burden as if it were my own. The unfortunate reality of this life is that this habit of mine acquires quite the load for me to carry.

All of these strange personal quirks mean that at every moment I am carrying far heavier burdens than my frail human shoulders can handle. Until recently, I thought this was a normal part of life, and that the anxiety, exhaustion, stress, and worry were all entirely acceptable. Then one day, a good friend pointed out to me that worry is a sin. Since then I have waged continual war with my inner control freak. I don't anticipate ever having complete control over these impulses; however, I have discovered some useful battle tactics.

Through this blog, I will share my struggle to accept that I cannot fix everything and that I do not, in fact, need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I will close with one item of the highest importance: my method hinges on the life, death, and resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is through His love for me that I am able to surrender daily those burdens that threaten to crush my soul.