Not Alone

"...Our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie things that are now knotted together and tie up things that are still dangling loose." -- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

It's such a relief to know that I am not alone in feeling so desperate for God.

Standing Still

I don't cope well with change. I've lived in the same county since I was three years old. I've had the same best friend since I was … three years old. I've never lived more than fifteen minutes away from my parents. I held my first job for six years. And a few months ago when I got my hair cut shorter than it's ever been before, I had a mild panic attack. So you can imagine how I felt when the family whose nanny I had been since January moved out of state last month.

The first emotion I felt when I found out they were moving was grief: these two little girls I love to pieces were going somewhere I wouldn't see them every day. But on the occasions when the sadness took a break, I felt the panic setting in.

Being a control freak, I like to be prepared for everything that happens to me. I like to have plans A, B, and C in place, with a few more back-up plans prepared for each extenuating circumstance. I mentally prepare myself for each alternative. My strategies are organized flow-chart-style: If x is true, enact Plan A; if y is true, enact Plan B; if z is true, run away screaming. And so on.

I had no plan in place for being out of a job.

So I began planning. I considered all my options. I weighed each alternative. I set deadlines for myself. And I asked God to initial my proposal. His answer was an emphatic “No.”

So I went back to the drawing boards. I came up with different options, different methods, and a different time line. This time, I was hopeful that I would find approval. Again, God's answer was “No.”

Let me clarify what I mean by that. I didn't hear God say “No.” I didn't even encounter opposition that made me question myself. But every time I told God what I planned to do to amend my circumstances, I immediately felt uneasy. And even when I adjusted my methods, the uneasiness did not diminish. Each time, I thought I had come up with the wrong plan. But no plan I presented was met with approval.

Very gradually, I began to discover my error: I was taking control. I thought that if I didn't do something – if I didn't provide a solution – that no solution would be found.

My conversations with God began to take on a different tone, and slowly I felt Him whispering to me, “Do you trust Me?” Broken-hearted, I realized my answer was “No” – I had not been trusting Him.

After all He has done for me, I still think I can do better. After all He has taught me, I still think I know best. After all of the events in my life that seemed like disasters have been intricately woven into a beautiful tapestry of love and provision, I doubt He can provide for me.

That was a hard pill to swallow.

So now my methods are different. With strenuous effort, I am following the advice Samuel gave the Israelites: “Stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!” (1 Sam 12:16). I have stopped planning, and have begun to let God's plan happen to me. I will remain still until He tells me to move.

The most comforting realization is this: nothing will ever happen to me that catches God off guard or spoils His plans. There is nothing that can cause Him to say, “Oh, shucks. Now I have to go with plan B, and I'm gonna need Nora's help to do it.”

I have now been unemployed for three weeks. Nothing disastrous has happened yet.